Save Me
by JesusWolf
Summary: Kaoru has been acting depressed lately and none of the Kenshin Gumi know why. Her world crashes as she lives in old, painful memories that she can't get rid of. Angst. Some Romance.
1. Abnormalities

I don't own Kenshin : ( Hope you like the story!

I know that I'm REALLY bad at updating, but I will try to keep this story running smoothly.

* * *

"Kaoru sure has been acting strange lately..." Sanosuke whispered as soon as he heard Kaoru's shoji close.

"She hasn't been acting herself lately, that she has not..." Kenshin answered with a sigh. He and Sanosuke were waiting on Yahiko to get ready for a guys-day-out swim at a secluded swimming hole in the forest. Kenshin wasn't very excited about going, but Sano had threatened to drag him there, so he sighed and settled on joining them. Yahiko ran to the livingroom and followed the two childish men as they opened the door and proceeded towards the forest.

"Well, have you talked to her about it?"

"Every time I ask her how she is, she just smiles and says that she is fine, but Miss Kaoru has been very melancholy for the past few days. Have you talked to her, Sano?"

"Nope. I try to stay out of little missy's business, I usually end up saying something wrong and getting hit on the head." Sanosuke said and placed a hand on a slight bump on his head as a result of a past misfortune.

"I know what it is!" Yahiko shouted enthusiastically and shocked the two older men. They looked down at the spikey-haired kid with a huge grin etched across his face. "She's on something! I heard her sniffing a lot the other night!"

The rurouni and rooster-head sweat dropped and hit Yahiko hard on the head. He cowered in pain and followed a few feet farther behind them.

_She's been crying? _Kenshin thought, disregarding Yahiko's idea of Kaoru using drugs... _about what?

* * *

_

_Why is all of this coming back now? This happened years ago...but...it's just now hit me...all of the pain that I held inside for over ten years has suddenly rushed inside my mind and taken over my thoughts and dreams..._

Kaoru blinked, realizing that everyone else in the dojo had gone to the swimming hole earlier and left her here by herself.

_Oh no...please don't leave me alone. I can't hide it alone...make it stop! Stop the pain! Stop the thoughts! Stop the fear!_

A voice in the back of her head hummed through her eardrums - There's only one way to stop the pain...there's only one way...

_No! No, that's not the way...!_

Kaoru lay weakly on her futon with her hands clasped upon her head, trying to stop the satanic whisper that ebbed through her veins. It had seeped into her head, somehow, and was now starting to control her thoughts, prompting her to commit the act that she knew was wrong, but was somehow pleasing to her...

Her pillow and kimono were soaked with tears, along with her futon and floor. Her hair was limp and unkept and spread over the floor with long, dark strands. Her once bright, crystal-blue eyes were now dark and faded, tired from constant sorrow and the endless tears that made their home in the corners of her eyes and always threatened to fall. She had eaten little at the table with the others, and nothing when she wasn't being watched by her friends. She had been staying in her room a lot more frequently and had demanded that no one should dare enter while she was in her room with the door closed. She pleaded again and again for the memories to leave her mind, but only invaded her mind more, taking over every shadow of her brain and worsening every depressing thought that had ever entered her innocent mind.

It called to her again- No one's here to stop you know, no one even cares. You've hurt them too much!

Her hand weakened as it inched towards the blade that held her fate...

_No! STOP!_

She was losing grip...losing hold of reality, losing strength to empower the weaker side of her...It's force grew as she faintly felt her grip tighten around the small knife that her father had given her before he had left her life forever.

A few solemn raindrops tapped against the window and rapidly increased as the clouds suddenly moved in and let loose of all of the water they had held.

_Rain...

* * *

_

Kenshin, Sano, and Yahiko returned from their tiring trip to the swimming hole and back with not only their swimsuits wet, but their entire attire drenched with the shower of rain that had suddenly stormed upon the land. They all changed out of their wet clothes and Sano and Yahiko went to sleep, but Kenshin wandered worriedly to Kaoru's room. He regretted not saying anything to her about her abnormal behavior, now approaching the shoji door and silently and slowly sliding it open.

"Kaoru?"


	2. Rain

Kaoru wasn't there.

Kenshin quickly glanced over the room to notice that her pillow and futon were wet before turning to find her. Darkness and the frigid hours of the night were steadily advancing and Kaoru wasn't even in the house! Kenshin hastily poked his head outside of the dojo to see a limp figure with long, raven hair sitting on the wet grass.

"Miss Kaoru! What are you doing out here? It's raining, you'll catch a cold, that you will!" Kenshin said as he hurried over to her and tried to help her up. She had her head bowed and gave no reaction to Kenshin's touch excluding a small moan that issued from her mouth. He gently picked her up and quickly took her inside and to her room, where he laid her drenched body. He was puzzled that Kaoru gave no resistance nor reaction to him picking her up and that her body seemed light and thin and her hair wasn't in a high ponytail like it usually was.

He smoothed the dripping ebony hair out of her pale face and lightly shook her shoulders to see if she was awake. She winced and slowly opened her eyes to see Kenshin's fiery red hair and soft violet eyes, which were now filled with worry.

"Kenshin...the rain feels so good...the raindrops felt so good against my skin...I'm sorry if I worried you... " she whispered faintly. She began to shiver and chill bumps ran up her arms, which she made sure were covered.

"You'll catch a cold, Miss Kaoru, please change into something dry." he said as a plead, while a soft command at the same time. He left long enough for her to change and returned to her room. "Why were you outside in the rain?"

"I...I haven't been feeling well lately and the rain felt so cool and refreshing on my skin...I love staying outside in the rain..." Kaoru breathed softly to him as he helped her get into her futon and cover her up.

"Have you been crying, Miss Kaoru?" Kenshin asked with a warm hand on her wet pillow, which was now soaked yet again with her long wet hair. She slowly looked up at him with faded, tired eyes, which in itself seemed to answer his question. Her eyes held an incredible depth of darkness which he had never seen in her before. Her usual smile was replaced by a weak frown, her bright eyes which sparked with life were replaced with orbs that reflected emptiness and pain, her pale yet strong body was now weak, fragile, and even more pale, she was also thinner.

"Miss Kaoru...what's wrong?" Kenshin silently waited for a reply. When he got none, he shifted and gently laid her head on his lap (which was quickly doused by her hair) and softly ran his fingers through her lengthy black locks. The warmth of his body filled Kaoru's heart and a tear rolled down her cheek, she knew that her horrible state was worrying him. She didn't want to cause him any more pain than he had already endured, so she came up with a quick excuse.

"I've just had a small fever lately...it's noth-"

Kenshin's hand had rested upon her forehead and almost seemed cold. "You do have a fever, why didn't you tell me that you were sick? I would have taken care of you."

More tears fell...she had lied and he believed her...and he wanted to help her through sickness, but she needed for him to help her through this deadly depression...but he wasn't even aware of how desperately in need of help she was.

"I'm sorry Kenshin..."

She wanted to tell him...why couldn't she say it? She wasn't okay, she was hurting very badly...but she said that she was only sick.

"Kaoru, it's alright, everything's going to be fine...don't cry...shhh..."

Everything was so confusing, Kaoru felt like she was dying inside, and here was her perfect chance to tell Kenshin what was wrong...but she couldn't. She just couldn't. Her fever was rising and all of her thoughts became even more blurred. Now miserable and frustrated, Kaoru sat up and cried on Kenshin's shoulder. "I'm just sick Kenshin...please don't worry about me..."

Surprised, Kenshin slowly wrapped his arms around her wet back and smoothed her hair. He felt and sensed that her fever was rising, but she was so absorbed in crying to him that he decided it best not to leave her to get a cold cloth now. When her sobs had subsided, Kenshin delicately laid her back upon her futon and covered her with blankets. "I'll be right back, Miss Kaoru." he whispered and left.

By the time he came back with a cool washcloth, Kaoru's eyes were closed and she was half asleep, loosely holding on to reality for fear of her memories and falling ever deeper into the eternal nightmare which plagued her thoughts.

Her breathing was slow and deep and she was barely able to feel the cold cloth on her forehead and the soft kiss that he had planted on her cheek. Inside, Kaoru was screaming for Kenshin to realize her lies and save her from this oncoming darkness, but he was deaf to her silent suffering.

* * *

Sorry, this is a short chapter, but I'm sick and tired (literally). Hope you liked it, cuz it gets worse. Mwahaahhaahaha! Thanks for all the reviews! 


	3. Addiction

Kenshin checked on Kaoru frequently the next day, but was unaware of her worsening internal condition. Her fever vanished and Kenshin tried his best to make her eat, but she claimed that her stomach wouldn't handle it and her body and strength began to wane.

For Kaoru, every minute was a few more painful memories and a few more loved ones lost. She relived the excruciating sense of loss that had plagued her whenever her mother died, she went through the horrible feeling of betrayal when her father never lived up to his promises and eventually left her and her mother to die, she went through the nightmare of when her brother that died shortly after he was born. Kaoru would press against her neck and try to cut off her air supply, but she always breathed again. Every waking moment that she had was filled with bitter memories. She had to stop it.

Kaoru silently stood to her feet (a task which exhausted much of her strength) and slowly made her way to the kitchen. After looking around to make sure that no one was there, she reached into the cabinet and took out a small white bottle of sleeping pills. She rushed back to her room and closed the shoji screen.

She opened the bottle, removed two white pills, closed the bottle, then hid it under her pillow and laid back down on her futon. She stared at the ceiling and shoved the tiny pills into her mouth and swallowed, hoping that the medicine wouldn't cause her to dream...

* * *

Kaoru woke up several times, and every time she would instantly reach under her pillow and take more of the sleeping pills, eventually increasing the intake to 3 and 4 pills until she ran out. She awakened, wearing out her last few pills, and stared once again at the dark wooden ceiling.

_Now what?...I can't sleep any longer...I can't run from the memories, so how do I escape them?...There is another way... _

She slowly turned her weary head towards the drawer that held the knife. Kaoru got up on her knees and crawled towards the drawer, opening it and reaching under her clothes and felt the cold steel blade that thirsted for her blood.

She sat up and held the knife pointing up in both of her hands and holding it close to her, feeling the reverse of the blade, thinking about whatshe should do with it...

* * *

Another very short chapter..hehe, cliffies! Mhahahaaa! 


	4. Drowning

I've gotten a few threats, so I better update Chapter 4! he he

* * *

Kaoru, now too weak from hunger, relied solely on the help of Sano, Kenshin, and Yahiko. Each of them took turns seeing to Kaoru's needs and making sure that she ate, even though she claimed that she was sick to her stomach, despite the loud growls erupting from her belly. She lie in bed all day long and kept her eyes closed to play possum and bypass the interrogations of Sanosuke and Kenshin, who were very worried about Kaoru's state.

That day, without warning, Megumi the fox doctor showed up to help Kaoru's 'sickness'. When she stated that she couldn't find anything wrong with Kaoru despite her lack of food, Kaoru decided that she couldn't lie any longer.

"Miss Megumi..." Kaoru whispered with dark, faded eyes that could no longer see reality, "It's not a physical sickness that I'm suffering from...I'm just down right now...that's all..."

"Why? What's wrong? You sure are worrying sir Ken and the rooster head and I, even Yahiko is worried. We hate to see you so down like this, what could be so serious that would cause you to lose your usual cheerfulness?" Megumi said, stroking Kaoru's hair, deeply worried for her. She knew that it was much harder to heal a psychological wound than a mortal wound on the flesh.

Kaoru turned her head away from Megumi to hide her tearing eyes. She hated worrying her friends, but she was so helpless inside that it was starting to affect her physical being. _I thought I could be strong, but it's killing me.._.

_I've got to be strong...I've got to do it..for Kenshin..._

Kaoru slowly and painfully rose to her feet, regardless of the efforts of Megumi to keep her in bed. She walked the first few feet with difficulty, but she got walking down to a pattern after a few feet.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" Megumi yelled loudly, vexed that her patient refused to sit still despite her need for rest.

"K-Ken...Ken...sh...in..."

Kaoru collapsed.

* * *

When she awoke she found Megumi kneeling over her. She had only passed out for a minute or two and had a cold washcloth on her forehead. "The boys are at the store, Sano and Yahiko had to drag Kenshin along, he really wanted to stay with you...Do you think you can handle a warm bath?"

Kaoru sank down to her chin in the warm, soothing water and let her long raven hair swirl atop of the water. She stared at the clear liquid and decided to go deeper to reach all of the warmth that she could. Go deeper...she was falling deeper..sinking...drowning...she was drowning in the sea of memories that haunted her subconscious...soon she would be swallowed by it...soon she would be totally submerged...air...need air..Air..AIR!

Kaoru opened her eyes and lifted her head above the water. SPLASH! Water went everywhere! Kaoru caught her breath...she had drifted into a light slumber when she had awakened underwater and when she raised her head out of the water it had sprayed several feet, as a result of her hair being so long.

* * *

Another chapter, another cliffie. TO BE CONTINUED.

MWAHAHAHAHA! Dontcha hate that? Hehehehehe! (Don't kill me)

Don't worry, I'm staying on the computer to write chap 5, so that'll come very soon, I promise! Scout's honor!

* * *

(Psshhh...like I'm a scout...) 


	5. Healing

FINAL CHAPTER! WOOOOOOOOOT! Sorry, he he, got a little excited. This is a long one, hopefully, and it should have a little romance.

* * *

It was about one o' clock in the morning and Kenshin was sleeping quietly in his own room. Megumi knew that Kenshin would be very concerned for Kaoru so she slipped some sleeping powder in his tea to help him get a good night's rest. Now, he lay on his futon sound asleep in his room. He awoke suddenly to a soft thud and opened his great violet eyes to see a distressed Kaoru kneeling on the floor before him. Kenshin quickly sat up and the coldness of the night air seized his flesh, but his mind quickly overcame it.

Kaoru was sitting on her knees in front of him with her head bowed and her hair spread over her back and shoulders. She shook with every breath and it seemed a labor to breathe, non the less stand. She was grasping her arms and looked as if she was in a lot of pain.

"Ken...Kenshin...K..." she breathed his name over and over again.

"Miss Kaoru! Miss Kaoru are you alright? What's wrong?" Kenshin hurriedly kneeled beside her and gently grabbed her shoulders. She placed her hangs on the floor to help support her body weight. She was breathing heavier and deeper, along with small whines.

"Miss Kaoru what's wrong! Please tell me! What is it?" Kenshin pleaded desperately.

"Ken...Kenshin...I can't...I can't keep d-doing this..." she finally whispered.

"What?" Kenshin noticed a small speck of red in the corner of his eye and looked down to see blood on Kaoru's hand, trailing from her sleeve.

Kaoru looked up to see Kenshin looking down at her hand. "I can't keep...doing this..."

Kaoru rolled up her sleeves to reveal blood trailing down her red arms. She had cut herself mercilessly, countless scars had plagued her arms by her own fragile hands. Old scars, bleeding wounds, deep wounds, light wounds, long wounds, short wounds...all made by her own hands. Kenshin stared in shock at all of the blood trailing slowly down her pale arms, making thin lines of crimson regret and cursed fate.

"I...I need you...Kenshin...I need you to s...save me..." Kaoru finally allowed herself to collapse onto the floor. Kenshin caught her, barely, and held her as close as he could to him without injuring her. The intense heat of his warm body and hot skin pressed firmly against her body, she wanted to stay in his warmth forever.

"Kenshin...I want to stay here in your arms...I don't want to die like this...you have to save me from what I've become...save me before it's too late..."

Tears...

"Kaoru, why are you doing this? You have to stop. You know it's wrong an-

Kaoru breathed in as if she were about to speak. "I...I can't stop the memories...I can't stop the pain...I've kept it in for over 10 years and it's finally caught up and it's tearing me apart. Every time I close my eyes I remember waking up when I was 5 to my grandfather crying and walking into my room...and seeing my mother with her head bowed and her arms outstretched, her hair covered her back and shoulders and she was kneeling close to the floor...she was dead...and I don't even know why...

"But before that...daddy...daddy would say that he was going to take me somewhere and never showed up...he stole for money one day and went to jail and eventually got out...after that he just left...he left me and mommy to fend for ourselves...they never even got married...

"Even before all of that...my brother...my brother died shortly after he was born, he only lived for a few minutes...Karatsu."

Kaoru leaned her head back against Kenshin's shoulder and felt him press his chest against her back and rest his chin on her collar bone and his cheek against her neck. _He's so warm..._

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her even closer to him. He felt the blood of her arm on his and slowly stood up. He placed a finger on her lips and tread silently through the darkened hallway and to the kitchen. He soundlessly gathered some bandages and hastened back to his room. He sat down and carefully wrapped up her arms and stared at her face until their eyes met and held each other.

"Kenshin...I feel like I'm dying..."

"What can I do to make you stop this, Kaoru? You know that this is wrong, but you see it as the only way to let your pain out, but it only causes more, and you know this." Kenshin placed his hand on her cool face and softly stroked her cheek. Kaoru started to cry again and placed her hand over his.

"Kenshin...you're so warm..." she leaned forward and rested her head on Kenshin's chest. She took his hand and held it in hers, then placed it softly over her heart.

"Heal it..."

Kenshin pulled her into a tight hug and ran his fingers through her black silky hair. "Kaoru."

She was startled at the soft whisper of his voice and sat up to look at his face and into his soft eyes.

"I'm not trying to break your heart, that I am not. I play no games, Miss Kaoru. I love you."

Her breath stopped and her eyes enlarged. "Ke...Ken...Ke..."

"I love you, Kaoru." he placed his finger under her chin and led her into a kiss.

((can't provide any detail there, don't have any experience with kissing, so I can't say))

Kaoru leaned back and her eyes filled once again with tears... "I love you, too..."

Kenshin reached out his arms and once again pulled her into his arms and held her tight against him. She was filled with the warmth of his body and pressed as close to him as she could. Her back was to his chest and Kaoru turned her head to kiss Kenshin again. He kissed her lips and ran his own lips down her neck and onto her collar bone.

"Kenshin..." she breathed, scarcely audible.

"Yes, my love?"

She placed his hand above her heart. "I think my heart is finally healing."

* * *


End file.
